feelings

This weekend was weird. For much of the weekend I was feeling about as deflated as my back tire in this picture. And yes, this is our car. After someone smashed into it. And didn't leave a note. I know! It's so annoying. Parking on the street is annoying. It has never been this bad in five years of street parking, but I guess my number had to come up some time. I was really mad about it on Sunday. We parked the car on Friday night and then happened to walk by it on a Sunday morning walk. In true ghetto city car fashion our car has been missing a hub cap for the past ten months so we didn't think much of it at first and then we were like wait, the missing hub cap is on the other side... and that's a big dent in the side... and the tire is deflated. Stupid. But, you know, it's cool. I knew I would be upset about it until we got some answers from our insurance company and got it towed, and then I would just be annoyed after that. I'm grateful that we weren't IN the car when the accident happened, so that's a bonus. Also, anyone who barrels into someone else's car and doesn't leave a note but does leave a huge chunk of their car under yours probably has worse problems than I do, so I can't be mad. Well, I can be. But I'm not anymore.

I don't know how to explain my feelings from the rest of the weekend though. But I might have pinpointed it on Sunday evening when we were having some post-conference breakfast for dinner at a friend's house and suddenly Rhoda signed "more" when she actually wanted more! A shock to both Robbie and me, since I am very consistent at being inconsistent when it comes to signing with Rhoda. And suddenly she seemed really old to me and I started tearing up and my friend noticed and gave me a big hug. Thinking about your baby turning one is something that no one really warns you about. The internet hides behind a facade of fancy first birthday parties and smash cakes but no one tells you that you might start crying spontaneously when your first born learns to clap (also happened on Sunday) or when you picture her with her two front teeth (they're peeking out!). She's getting older and more awesome every day and that's just the way it's supposed to be, but I already miss my baby and hope she wants to be best friends with me FOREVER. Except for in the middle of the night. I'm not interested in being anyone's best friend at 1:30 in the morning—you hear that, teething Rhoda??

I'm also still figuring out being at home all the time. Weird! I thought I'd have it figured out by now. I've been at it for quite some time now. I know a lot of very seasoned moms who struggle with this too. Now that Rhoda's getting more interactive and mobile it's getting a bit easier since we can go on outings that she will actually enjoy. But there's still something missing. One thing gnawing at me is that I have been particularly inwardly focused for a very long time. I think it's good to take care of yourself and your family but I am sensing the emptiness that comes when you aren't helping other people. Obviously I am helping a tiny person quite a bit every day but during my downtime I think a lot about myself and what I want in life and it gets quite boring to do that for the bulk of the day. I have this print in our entryway that says "Have I cheered up the sad?" and it sort of acts as our family motto but I think I need to think bigger in terms of that motto's application. I guess I didn't think about this a lot in DC because we had been in our ward for so long that people knew they could call on us for help with specific needs. Now we aren't as familiar with our branch since we're still relatively new and I've been kind of lazy about getting to know people and do my calling with more enthusiasm and I feel bad about it. There is this quote from a talk by Jean A. Stevens that has stuck with me ever since I read it a few months ago: "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist of things to do; rather, it lives in our hearts. The gospel 'is not weight; it is wings.' It carries us." What a nice image. You'd think that after almost thirty years on this earth and many of those years spent in church service that I would stop with the checklist mentality already—waiting for the relief of a completed (sometimes dreaded) task rather than seeing it as an uplifting experience. I think I've also spent a lot of time lately reading and talking about doctrine and the gospel (on the internet, mostly, in addition to the source, but mostly on the internet because isn't controversial commentary so much more riveting??) rather than the action part of it, and the latter is really just a lot more satisfying. I was really impressed with the admonition from Neill F. Marriott in the General Women's Meeting last week to learn doctrine, and I want to be better at that part too, but I think that action and knowledge need to be in balance in order to reap the most benefits—right? I have struggled with that balance for much of my life too, I think.

The final thing is that I haven't washed my hair in days—I can't even remember the last time I shampooed my hair and it's kind of liberating. I'm toying with going shampoo free but I just can't commit because it seems too complicated to be as simple as the internet claims. Also, I can't get behind the name of the method and refuse to retype it here. Thoughts like this are the reason I need to get out more.