we're not in the same boat

Saturday's evening rainbow

Last week I wrote this really long stupid post complaining about people who complain about things that I don't complain about, left it up for a few hours, thought better of it and deleted it. If you read blogs via an RSS feed then you'll be able to see it but if not, tough luck!

My Instagram friend Rebecca shared this graphic a few weeks ago that I should be thinking about more often:

I read another post today that really resonated with me—the poster said something to the effect of, we are all weathering the same storm right now but we're not in the same boat. I feel extremely blessed that I don't feel insecure in a lot of areas right now. I feel a sort of panicked claustrophobia grab me every now and then, but I don't know what it's like to live with persistent anxiety or depression, or to have a job that you can't do remotely, or to live in a country where the president seems proud of the fact that he has no idea what he's doing. One thing that I'm having a hard time coming to terms with right now is that I cannot control how others react in a crisis. It's so bad and it's a long-time problem that was around long before the pandemic was. So, I'm going to spend my energy for the next while working on my attitude and how I can be kind and serve people who are being affected differently than I am right now. (Even if they are complaining about lockdown and have an enormous house and/or backyard. ;) I am trying to spend more time writing about my feelings than stewing about other people's feelings so this is totally self-serving, but it helps me work through my emotions and I find the writing process really helpful in giving me some perspective. 

Today I had such a fun day with my kids. I expended a little too much of my fun mom energy and snapped like a rubber band at bath time (also when I walked in the living room and saw Ralph had colored all over the wall and couch) but my kids were still smiling when I tucked them in so I'm calling it a win. I used to have a really bad yelling problem and lockdown has been a good chance for me to work on that, which is surprising. I think it helps to be around my kids all day and know exactly what it is that is making them feel off, which helps me be more compassionate when they're losing it. I wish that I had that luxury with everyone! So I'm going to try and think about things from that perspective while I try to be more empathetic with people who are not my kids.

I don't really have anywhere that I'm going with this post but I'll leave you with everyone's favorite Rilke quote that has helped me so much over the last few years and is back helping me now: "Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." When I've relied on that quote it has been under entirely different circumstances, but it's true—those old feelings are gone and have been replaced by new ones. I've just got to keep going to find out what other feelings, good and bad, are waiting in my future.

my corona

Well, that escalated quickly.

the family that masks together...

Maybe the thing that will get me back to updating my blog will be 24/7 mandatory confinement. But, as we've all learned, we don't not do things because we don't have the time—we apparently don't do them because, well, we don't want to! Okay, that's not true. Even though I am spending lots more time at home, I'm still prioritizing other stuff over sitting at my desk and trying to figure out WHERE  DO I EVEN START.

I have to thank my mom for telling me on the phone the other day that I should be documenting that corona life because my memories will fail me and someone will want to know what life was like during this strange period. There is no shortage of articles, think pieces and memes about our first (well, for most of us anyway) experience with a pandemic, but here's what's been happening chez Hamill.

this view is a 2 minute walk from our apartment #blessed

The first I thought about our lives being possibly impacted by COVID-19/coronavirus/SARS-CoV-2/could we have please come up with a more uniform moniker? was mid-February, just after we'd come home from a trip to London. Winter break in France usually means that a lot of French families go skiing on the French border or to Italy, and the outbreak in Italy meant that the spread in France was pretty much inevitable. I had a small surgery scheduled for February 27th (I had a polyp in my uterus that needed to be evicted), and when we showed up at the hospital we were questioned about our whereabouts over the past two weeks—which is crazy because I had just been there three days before without any questioning. The 27th is also when my family text chains started getting a little more panicked and I started hearing about toilet paper shortages in the US... and the French were still very much going about their daily lives. Our upstairs neighbor is a doctor and was dismissive of the panic which seems so comical now.

Things did NOT start feeling serious in Paris until the week before our confinement started, which officially happened on March 17th. Up until that point the only difference I noticed was that Ralph's crèche teachers were fastidious about hand-washing (very unusual for France where personal hygiene habits are, uh, different than they are in the US) and they had signs posted in the building about travel restrictions and self-quarantine. President Macron announced that schools would be closing indefinitely after Friday March 13th, and then an estimated 30% of the city left—since most people who live in Paris aren't actually Parisian, there are plenty of spacious family homes to go to all over France, and most French families have two working parents so there needed to be grandparents available for childcare. That Sunday, we had the MOST beautiful weather that we'd had all year and Parisians were out in full force, not respecting social distancing warnings at all. Restaurants were ordered closed after that. I'm sure everyone knew that confinement was inevitable, but it was pretty crazy seeing everyone just flout the recommendations so openly.

Monday the 16th was the day that Macron made the lockdown announcement, and I started to feel a mounting sense of dread. Our friends had offered to let us stay at their (empty) house in southern France, which felt like a godsend and we were serious about taking them up on it. But the lockdown went into effect much more quickly than we thought it would, and there would not be time to pack up our lives and make the ~9 hour drive before the noon deadline on the 17th. I feel for all the people getting flak for fleeing NYC because we were in the position of having to make that decision too, but I'm pretty sure I felt dread because deep down I knew it was a bad idea to leave our familiar surroundings, even if it meant that we'd be stuck most of the time in a tiny 60 sq meter apartment (about 650 sq feet). Here we've got better access to hospitals, grocery stores, and other essentials that would have been difficult to manage in a small town.

After day 1 we fell into a routine pretty quickly, and I've stopped counting the days because I'm not going to torture myself, and I'm not winning any awards for staying inside. Under the current rules we are allowed to go outside with an attestation stating why we are outside. You're allowed to walk freely for exercise for one hour per day within a 1 km radius of your home, alone or with people you're quarantining with. (I'm not sure yet how they enforce the 1 hour rule other than on your honor, but now they have a computer generated attestation with a QR code that police will scan if they stop you, so maybe they track that?) Other acceptable reasons for going outside are to go to work, to go to the doctor, to shop at essential shops (grocery stores and pharmacies are open, as well as an assortment of "essential" establishments including tabacs and wine shops), or to help family/friends that fall in the "vulnerable" category. They just passed a ban on daytime running between 10 am and 7 pm, presumably because heavy breathing increases virus transmission, so 7 pm every day looks like a marathon is happening because suddenly everyone's a runner.

So, here we are! Not much has changed in the last month or so, except that tonight we just learned that the confinement is supposed to end on May 11th and kids are going to slowly start going back to school and crèche (fingers crossed!). I go through various stages of grief, but overall I am overwhelmed with how blessed we are, and I do not mean that in any trite way. I am advantaged in a lot of ways, the main one being that I was already a stay at home mom and am used to spending a lot of time 1) at home and 2) with my kids. It can be drudgery for me in my chosen situation on a regular day, so I really feel for the people who were thrown into that scenario and still have to work from home. My kids are doing so well and playing great together, though we have our bad days (also true in non-corona times). Rhoda's schooling has been tricky since I don't speak great French and she's supposed to be studying for a French proficiency diploma, but she's a good sport and only complains sometimes. Thankfully we're on week 2 of spring break so I don't have to think about school again for a few more days. Her teacher is really sweet and made it a point to let everyone know NOT to stress about school, but she's still really prepared and sends a lesson outline with activities every day that makes it easier for me to organize mine and Rhoda's time. Robbie's working from home, which means that I have NO SPACE TO MYSELF. (I'm telling you, our apartment is tiny.) Everyone is eating all the time! ALL THE TIME. Rhoda used to get a huge lunch every day at the school cantine and I really took that for granted!

I'm getting overwhelmed by the amount of text here so I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

Ralph's out of diapers! My number one quarantine goal checked off the list.

Everyone's still holding themselves to a very high dress standard when going grocery shopping

Boo is the happiest to have everyone at home all the time. He's never lacking a warm body to snuggle.

One of Rhoda's school assignments. School is fun when you're six!

Ralph during a rare moment when I gave him a specific activity. I just can't trust him alone with any craft materials so I just don't do it! Sorry kid.

Robbie's so happy to have a puzzle companion

Made some masks for grocery store runs and walks outside (tbh I'm not sure if we really need them on walks??)

Lots of scooting during our (almost) daily walks

Another school assignment

Look, I'm a fun mom

Mixed feelings about missing Paris in bloom. My allergies are thanking me for staying indoors.

Ducks at our boulangerie practicing social distancing

Boo loving being Robbie's coworker

A typical scene: crap everywhere and ALWAYS LAUNDRY

Got the kids a huge Duplo set for Easter and I have not had to intervene for the past 48 hours

Easter chez Hamill

Belated Easter egg hunt in our courtyard on Monday afternoon, which was sort of improvised because there are no plastic Easter eggs here! I printed and cut out a bunch of tiny bunny boxes just to see them thrown away after hours of work. Definitely planning ahead for next year and finding some Easter eggs before April...

It feels a bit silly to share regular updates when there isn't anything to update! I'm feeling a little nervous for the next month because I've been using little milestones to look forward to, and I've kind of run out of them now that Easter has passed. But Ralph's birthday is coming up on May 10th and we have a possible end of confinement after that, so fingers crossed that we all stay healthy and happy till then!